Seize the Day - Avenged Sevenfold

Life, you're such a bitch...

Why?

1. My godfather died a few weeks ago, and it's still tearing me apart. I still cry at night.

2. I haven't had recuperative sleep in months. Sure, sleep. Not real, real good sleep that people really need. I've just been closing my eyes basically for the past few months.

3. I've totally given up binging like hell in an attempt to gain weight. (1) I'm getting sick and tired of being disappointed whenever I try to see if I've made progress, (2) something with my stomach is getting screwy, I can't eat as much without feeling sick, (3) I just want to eat whenever I want, whatever I want, (4) there's no real use in it anymore because I'm inherently like this, I have the body of my mother, and it's not going to change.

4. I've had emotional problems for a long time now. I think it's becoming a real super problem now.

I could punch someone in the face right now..

I know people aren't perfect, and that a lot of them suck, but everytime that fact is really blown up in my face, I get so upset I want to cry. After reading this entry, you might think that I'm a baby or something but this really questions my future plans and my moral principles.

Last period, we were playing football in gym. 5 of my friends and I were on one team and we were standing on one of the fields waiting for another team of 6. Yay, the cocky b*tches and f*ckers of our class come over in their own team of 6. We've played against them in basketball and we know we hate them. We don't even want to try anymore. Starts with my team on offense. I run out as soon as our QB has the ball and he throws it at me. The ball lands short, like 5 feet in front of me, and the cockiest guy on the other team is like "Don't throw it to her! She can't catch!" (honestly, I can be good at football if I really want to try). He's always been so cocky, I can't stand him. All I say to him is "Shut up." I'm sure that's called for, unlike the former statement. Then, in a later play, one of my friends runs into a person from the other team (which is kind of a BIG part of football). The only girl on the other team starts to be all bitchy and yells at my friends whenever they get anywhere near her to guard her (which is also a FREAKING BIG part of football). Then the girl starts talking shit like "You guys can't play." "You guys suck." "Don't f*cking touch me! I'll get my brother on you! Do you know who my brother is?!" "You guys are all faggots." And we dont' give a damn. Then one of the other cocky guys on the team starts telling the girl to hit me because I'm "talking shit". All I've ever said is "Shut the f*ck up." "What the hell is your problem?" Unlike her threats and insults. I just didn't want to play anymore.

I'm just trying to play as patiently as I can, wishing so badly that I can just hit her in the face and teach her a lesson about life. You can't just talk shit to everyone ALL THE TIME. Also thinking, as an attempt to make myself feel better, "She doesn't know what she's talking about. I can't wait until I'm a rich doctor and she's coming to my hospital for a liposuction. She has no idea what courtesy is. Calling everyone faggot is not going to get herself through life. She'll never make it through college, where at least people try to be civilized."

Then after class, she's in the locker room talking to a teacher. "Oh! We won 7-0! The other team didn't even play! We got all the good people on our team! They didn't even move." Right in front of me and my other girl friends that were on my team. I wanted to go over there and make a fool of her in front of the teacher. "We would've tried if you guys were actually mature. If calling us faggots and threatening to get your bro out on us is playing, then, yeah, you did a lot of f*cking playing, bitch." I wanted so much to say that. But I didn't. Now I really wish I did. Now I'm in my micro class, trying not to cry because these things always make me so upset. Or push me over the edge from all the other shit that's happening to me.

Why does this bother me so much? Because I want to go to medical school. But why should I go, then do research to help people when horrible people like that are out there. What if that girl needs a heart transplant in 20-30 years, and something I've developed was used to help her? What if my research is used to help cocky jocks everywhere? These questions probably sound hilarious but I'm really thinking of not bothering helping people. I want to so much, but everytime I see horrible people like that girl on the other football team, a part of me, sometimes a pretty big part of me, doesn't want to anymore, doesn't care anymore.

Why do people become doctors when shitty people like that exist?

It makes me afraid that I might turn into one of those people. But then it brings up the question that psychiatrists all over the world are researching. Is evil genetic, or contagious? Like original sin or something. Did Adam and Eve curse us forever by taking fruit from the tree of knowledge after being tempted by the devil? Or is it just in our genes? It makes me question myself and scares me. I don't want to be mean but it's a pretty common saying that you have to be mean (to a certain level) to get through life. It's a "dog eat dog world". Whatever. I don't believe you have to be mean to become a successful senator or a famous businessman. You can't be mean if you want to become a doctor. But you're going to end up dealing with, or even helping, the mean people, which is something a big part of me wants to do.

AHHHH!!!!

Next year, I have a choice of 2 school-related trips for my spring break:

1. Hawaii: Robotics competition, 3 days but we're planning to stay for a lot longer for site-seeing and crap. Nice and warm, beautiful islands. Parents might be coming. Approx. $1,000.

2. Paris-Madrid: A few days in Paris, and then a few days in Madrid. 2-in-1 package. Beautiful cities, Louvre, FRANCE! No parents, prob. Approx. $3,000.

I know price could be a big factor in where I should go (Hawaii) but I really really want to go to both places. I got into another mini-fight with my mom about going to Paris last night. There's a meeting tonight about itinerary and crap about Paris so I think I might go, even though I might end up going to Hawaii, which is also where my parents want to go too. Meh.